Jesus lit a candle in my life. I was thankful, but not overjoyed. In the Biblical sense I understood that I needed him, but at the end of the day if he was wrong then all I'd lost was time. I had "everything to gain, and nothing to lose", as it goes. I approved of that phrase, it fitted into my life; an off-white motto in a journey of vibrant greys. I may as well commit to Jesus, at best it's true, at worst it's a life spent with more guilt than I'd like.
It's bloody difficult to appreciate redemption when life is so comfortable. I feel like I was given a candle of salvation, but in the dull afternoon it was only really visible if I squinted. Two days ago I suppose my heart was taking a leisurely stroll when quite rudely the grey mist was lifted. I listened to a prisoner on tele recount the awful ways he abused his captives, and my heart broke. Not in some special Christian understanding of suffering, but a torrent of real, terrible sorrow. Sorrow, at it's strongest, breaks my heart in two, and is reserved for the people I love. As I thought of his victim it was incredibly unsettling to feel such agony for someone I didn't know. She was a person, and for the first time that mattered enough for the story to sink my heart.
I've realised that in accepting Jesus' love I also accepted his suffering. The most painful thing I can do in this world is open myself up, and yet that's what love requires. Loving with an open heart is like releasing a delicate paper kite into a tornado. It was only later on in the evening that I realised I had stumbled upon a place of overwhelming darkness, and the candle I thought so puny in the afternoon haze was now producing a brilliant, guiding light.
In the increased understanding of how important Jesus' guidance can be, I realised the adage I once held dear may not make sense at all. The same tornado I released my heart into also blew away my comfortable house of agnosticism, and without an understanding of Jesus' love I would be left stranded. My ties to an ignorant world of pleasantly distant suffering are being severed, and growing in me is a relationship that actually seems to encompass everyone. God sent Jesus down to show us what unconditional love looks like, and now, slowly, i'm beginning to understand what it feels like.
I need Jesus, when I open myself up this life doesn't make sense without him. If the way I've been feeling this week is even a shade of his love, then I accept the sorrow that comes with the joy. Christians often have to choose between sustaining their comfort, or sustaining their love. I'm realising every day which is the more precious of the two.
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