On Faith: A constant companion

I haven't felt the need to post up a new blog entry for a few days. Not because of a lapse in spiritual activity, more like a tentative settling in of faith proper. I feel like the past 3 weeks of conscious searching have been my storm, necessary to rouse me from a languid state of agnosticism. Now perhaps comes a time for a more calm reflection. I've not found a peace attained by stilling life and disconnection; I have opened my heart to the pain and suffering in the world that sometimes makes me feel quite vulnerable.

Being receptive to the world's distress would be very painful if I didn't have faith in someone holding me up. Physically I feel perhaps more delicate now than I ever have - the knowledge that faith shines through in suffering actually scares me a bit! - but spiritually I experience what I can only call a gently pervasive security. I am right with God. I actually suppress the bubbles of immense joy that brings because my contentment so far has relied on fleeting, fickle sources; success, circumstance, the acceptance of peers.

I've found something - someone - who doesn't conform to any rules of happiness I've so far been governed by. That's difficult to grasp, as I've found out from the almost awkward sense of calm I've been experiencing. Part of me simply isn't ready to abandon the idea that all peace is fleeting; Gods presence will eventually cease and my despondent relationship with security will continue onward.

Referring to life's changing nature, someone very wise once said:

"If you are feeling sad; wait a while, it will change. If you are feeling happy; wait a while, it will change"

My life up until now has been governed - and chastised - by this rule. The world in it's current state is no place to deposit something as delicate as a human heart. A most valuable gift we have - our sense of self - is constantly offered at a whim to whoever passes by. I look back on the way I kept giving myself to sources other than God, and it breaks my heart. A helpless child who, with big eyes and a hopeful expression, placed his happiness into the hands of wolves.

Bless, I put my heart and soul into those things least deserving of my trust. If I could go back to the boy I was growing up I would give him a huge hug, and carefully dispense the only bit of advice I can give with a pure heart - put all your faith, your longing, your want to be loved into God. He will treasure it as the most precious of his possessions.